THE CHRISTMAS REPORT

I am still going to wax politosophical (I must trademark that word (dang upon a Google search I found that it has already been used)) before too long but anyway I figured maybe I'd do the Christmas rundown so you know how that went not that you really care but oh well what are blogs for if not that. I will put items I actually got in red and items I did not get in blue.

• Some new sunglasses (not stunna shades)
• The Gravity Defyer Shoe
• Basically anything from Skymall actually
• Also some shoes that do not defy gravity
  
• Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
• A Sherman tank
• A time slot on the local public access channel
• Enough money to start a restaurant (I'm looking at you here Davis)
  
• Bacon and bacon-related items including but not limited to:
• The bacon cookbook
• Bacon Salt
• Cinnamon-sugar bacon (although I probably don't need 4lbs of it)
• Socks that feel pleasing to the feet
• Whitman's Soho chocolate, these things sound tasty

No bacon-related items at all can you even believe it? Although I did look at the Bacon Cookbook at B&N today and it's $35 dollar bucks which is a bit steep for a book on fatty pork. It was a pretty weird Christmas at the homestead all the way around though. Previous to the day of the big festivities, my dad took me out shoppin' for items for the purposes of wrapping them and placing them under the tree. When you hoist the item from its home on the shelf and place it into someone's hand so they may wrap it, a good deal of the surprise is ruined. Especially when the wrapping paper is semi-translucent and you can make out the title of the book you picked out before you unwrap it. Needless to say, we will not be conducting Christmas operations in this manner again.

---

Anyway this morning I woke up and turned on Food Network and "The Barefoot Contessa" was on, a lady who is way too unfortunate-looking to be a TV chef. At this point it occurred to me that contrary to popular belief, you should not trust a fat chef.

LOOK AT ME I'M FAT AND DUMPY LET ME MAKE A LUMPY STEW WHICH I WILL EAT WITHOUT REMORSE

"But but but," you might say, "a fat chef is clearly the best for their food is so delicious that they must gorge themselves on it until they are sprawled on the ground and groaning like a bull hippopotamus!" Look at how most fat people get fat though. They spend their days chomping on potato chips and Wonder bread and Jimmy Dean sausage on a stick. Their palates do not demand a high degree of quality. They could slap whipped cream and pork rinds in a bowl and give it a quick stir and call it high cuisine. Thin chefs make delicious foods which sate both the rumblings in their bellies and the refined culinary stirrings in their minds. These fat chefs, who will eat anything and everything, know of your error in logic and they are exploiting you. You are totally in an Emperor's New Clothes sort of situation. Please put on some pants on your tongue.

---

I have also decided that I kinda want an ice cream maker. Here are some flavors I want:

• Avocado Ice Cream

Avocados are creamy and delicious much like ice cream so this one basically can't go wrong. I hear it tastes kinda like pistachio ice cream which is awesome.

• Black Pepper Ice Cream

I really dig black pepper and the peppercorn oils would really need to permeate through the ice cream for the full effect I think. You can't just put ground pepper on top that's stupid!

• Honey Ice Cream

I mean it's honey it's sweet and made by bees what more can you sayWOOF WOOF I'M A BEEKEEPING DOG I'M PATHETIC ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL LET ME GET YOU SOME HONEY

• Bacon Ice Cream

Davis says that I am stupid for this but you know what bacon is awesome and if you don't want it in your ice cream then I just don't know what is wrong with you because sweet and smoky go well together so just shut it!

• Pear & Blue Cheese Ice Cream

I dunno about this one but it reminds me of my favorite (now discontinued) pizza from California Pizza Kitchen so it's worth a shot right

• Grape Ice Cream

I had a Blizzard at Dairy Queen with grape Nerds many years ago. It was v. delicious.

• Guinness Ice Cream

Might try this one with Young's Double Chocolate Stout. If it's good enough for Ben and Jerry's it's probably good enough for me.

• Cherry Limeade Sherbet

Yep Sonic is pretty good that's all I can say about that.

• Cannoli Ice Cream

I don't know what this is about but I mean ricotta cheese and pistachio nutmeats are pretty tasty so why not lump em in some ice cream

• Irish Tea Ice Cream

Green tea ice cream is pretty popular but black tea is better SO THERE

I'm sure are there more but this is a pretty good start. This blog post took much longer than expected due to phone calls and circumstances. I hope you enjoyed it.

END OF BLOG POST