THE CHRISTMAS REPORT

I am still going to wax politosophical (I must trademark that word (dang upon a Google search I found that it has already been used)) before too long but anyway I figured maybe I'd do the Christmas rundown so you know how that went not that you really care but oh well what are blogs for if not that. I will put items I actually got in red and items I did not get in blue.

• Some new sunglasses (not stunna shades)
• The Gravity Defyer Shoe
• Basically anything from Skymall actually
• Also some shoes that do not defy gravity
  
• Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
• A Sherman tank
• A time slot on the local public access channel
• Enough money to start a restaurant (I'm looking at you here Davis)
  
• Bacon and bacon-related items including but not limited to:
• The bacon cookbook
• Bacon Salt
• Cinnamon-sugar bacon (although I probably don't need 4lbs of it)
• Socks that feel pleasing to the feet
• Whitman's Soho chocolate, these things sound tasty

No bacon-related items at all can you even believe it? Although I did look at the Bacon Cookbook at B&N today and it's $35 dollar bucks which is a bit steep for a book on fatty pork. It was a pretty weird Christmas at the homestead all the way around though. Previous to the day of the big festivities, my dad took me out shoppin' for items for the purposes of wrapping them and placing them under the tree. When you hoist the item from its home on the shelf and place it into someone's hand so they may wrap it, a good deal of the surprise is ruined. Especially when the wrapping paper is semi-translucent and you can make out the title of the book you picked out before you unwrap it. Needless to say, we will not be conducting Christmas operations in this manner again.

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Anyway this morning I woke up and turned on Food Network and "The Barefoot Contessa" was on, a lady who is way too unfortunate-looking to be a TV chef. At this point it occurred to me that contrary to popular belief, you should not trust a fat chef.

LOOK AT ME I'M FAT AND DUMPY LET ME MAKE A LUMPY STEW WHICH I WILL EAT WITHOUT REMORSE

"But but but," you might say, "a fat chef is clearly the best for their food is so delicious that they must gorge themselves on it until they are sprawled on the ground and groaning like a bull hippopotamus!" Look at how most fat people get fat though. They spend their days chomping on potato chips and Wonder bread and Jimmy Dean sausage on a stick. Their palates do not demand a high degree of quality. They could slap whipped cream and pork rinds in a bowl and give it a quick stir and call it high cuisine. Thin chefs make delicious foods which sate both the rumblings in their bellies and the refined culinary stirrings in their minds. These fat chefs, who will eat anything and everything, know of your error in logic and they are exploiting you. You are totally in an Emperor's New Clothes sort of situation. Please put on some pants on your tongue.

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I have also decided that I kinda want an ice cream maker. Here are some flavors I want:

• Avocado Ice Cream

Avocados are creamy and delicious much like ice cream so this one basically can't go wrong. I hear it tastes kinda like pistachio ice cream which is awesome.

• Black Pepper Ice Cream

I really dig black pepper and the peppercorn oils would really need to permeate through the ice cream for the full effect I think. You can't just put ground pepper on top that's stupid!

• Honey Ice Cream

I mean it's honey it's sweet and made by bees what more can you sayWOOF WOOF I'M A BEEKEEPING DOG I'M PATHETIC ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL LET ME GET YOU SOME HONEY

• Bacon Ice Cream

Davis says that I am stupid for this but you know what bacon is awesome and if you don't want it in your ice cream then I just don't know what is wrong with you because sweet and smoky go well together so just shut it!

• Pear & Blue Cheese Ice Cream

I dunno about this one but it reminds me of my favorite (now discontinued) pizza from California Pizza Kitchen so it's worth a shot right

• Grape Ice Cream

I had a Blizzard at Dairy Queen with grape Nerds many years ago. It was v. delicious.

• Guinness Ice Cream

Might try this one with Young's Double Chocolate Stout. If it's good enough for Ben and Jerry's it's probably good enough for me.

• Cherry Limeade Sherbet

Yep Sonic is pretty good that's all I can say about that.

• Cannoli Ice Cream

I don't know what this is about but I mean ricotta cheese and pistachio nutmeats are pretty tasty so why not lump em in some ice cream

• Irish Tea Ice Cream

Green tea ice cream is pretty popular but black tea is better SO THERE

I'm sure are there more but this is a pretty good start. This blog post took much longer than expected due to phone calls and circumstances. I hope you enjoyed it.

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So I'm graduating

Yep. Today's officially my last day as a Chemical Engineering undergrad. I usually try not to blog about personal stuff since that's what 90% of all the other blogs in the world do, but today I'll make an exception. The ceremony's at 1:30 today, and my parents and grandparents are on the way up to watch it, even though I'm not actually getting a diploma today since they just mail them to you. That seems like a weird way to do it, but whatev I guess.

So life is pretty good right now I reckon. I've got a degree in a pretty difficult major, an amazing girlfriend, a summer job offer, admission to at least one top-50 law school, and an easy semester ahead. Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Or perhaps everything's coming up Thrillho(use)

Given all this, I haven't really had much time to think about current events or other things to write about in this thing lately. I'm going home tomorrow though so there will be plenty of time for that in the upcoming week unless I just spend every night playing Smash Brothers or something!

Ok I am going to go have a pre-graduation lunch now but you know I just figured I'd give a shoutout to my internet homies and whatnot. I would like to try and write a thing about the upcoming presidential elections here pretty soon so don't let me forget okay!

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This is absolutely mindblowing

Leonard Elmore

Elmore Leonard

I am probably going to do poorly on my Latin final because I am incapable of memorizing 7 full pages of text verbatim in two languages. But at least I have this.

I'm flippin out man this is nuts

Shopping is hard

UPDATE PLEASE SEE BOTTOM OF LIST

As much as I like Christmas, there is always the problem of what to get for people. It wouldn't be so bad if people would give you lists, but they don't. And then you just buy crap to be buying it because you're supposed to and it is usually terrible or else they already have it AND THEN CHRISTMAS IS RUINED. Maybe I just do not understand the people closest to me.

I think so far my dad is the only person who has clearly stated what he wanted for Christmas, and I appreciate that gesture. But on the other hand, I don't really know what I want for Christmas either. But just in case anybody wants to buy me some things, here are items I will accept:

• Some new sunglasses (not stunna shades)
• The Gravity Defyer Shoe
• Basically anything from Skymall actually
• Also some shoes that do not defy gravity
  
• Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
• A Sherman tank
• A time slot on the local public access channel
• Enough money to start a restaurant (I'm looking at you here Davis)
  
• Bacon and bacon-related items including but not limited to:
• The bacon cookbook
• Bacon Salt
• Cinnamon-sugar bacon (although I probably don't need 4lbs of it)
• Socks that feel pleasing to the feet
• Whitman's Soho chocolate, these things sound tasty
  

Things that I do not want PLEASE DO NOT BUY THEM

• A sled
  
• Anything involving Roy D. Mercer

Okay maybe I will add more later but now it is lunchtime. What do you want for Christmas?

I remembered!

Alright so check it out. Me and my boy Davis B, you know how we do, we were schemin' bout what would make a good show to slap up on a TV screen what with this writer's strike and I think we struck black gold. Texas tea. A good idea. And you know when Davis and me get schemin' then that's when the real good ideas happen.

Let me set the stage here. There are a cool million Lifetime dramas about All-American girls goin' off to college and turnin' some mad tricks to pay for the tuition and the rent and the ramen noodles. And we think that's tragic. Straight tragic.

But there is a side of this dark situation not being discussed by the liberal media, and that is the plight of all the young men that go off to college have to become pimps to keep the bills paid. And this is basically the crux of the show. A pretty average young dude heads off to college and whoa next thing you know, he's DA COLLEGE PIMP. Now you're probably saying to yourself, "Man you crazy, that's a straight foolish idea, life is easy for a pimp in college." Well listen here, Three 6 Mafia has something to say about that and I think they would know better than you (no offense)! I mean just imagine the following scenarios:

• Professor Peeves won't pay one of College Pimp's best hos, but College Pimp can't go smack the money out of him because he really needs an A in Peeves's class! What is a dogg to do???
• Business is gettin' kinda slow and College Pimp is startin' to get pimp skitters from all that greasy street food. Gotta drum up some business... but how? DA CHEERLEADIN' SQUAD. Hope you got some game on the football field, College Pimp!
• Ahh just back home from a long day pimpin'... What's this? College Pimp's favorite pimp chalice and poster of John Belushi are missing! A rival pimp from a rival school perhaps............?

Please get your hands off this poster, Rival Pimp! Your pimp chalice look like a Big Gulp cup!

This can go in a bevy of directions. It will be an enormous show. A professional critic might even say of this show that it had "the most emotional debut for a show since Arli$$" and that is a direct quote from the future. Please let me know if you would like to audition.

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What is going on

So as some of you may or may not know, I used to have a blog that fell into disuse after the semester started. I recently got bit by the bloggin' bug again, but it seemed rather gauche to bring back the old one. I would seem a right boor going and making posts on a blog that has laid untouched since September 5, wouldn't I? Better to go ahead and let it die I'm afraid.

Here we see another boorish man. He cut the hood off his sweatshirt. CUT THE HOOD OFF.

Anyway, not a lot has changed since the last blog. I've almost got another semester of school under my belt and I got accepted to at least one law school so that I can spend the rest of my life in debt, which will be awesome. My general quality of life has improved considerably in the last couple weeks as well. These factors will probably combine to make this blog even worse than the old one, since no one is funny when they're happy.

I also got a new phone, the background of which is Carl Winslow in a Zorro costume. I am told, and Wikipedia confirms, that Carl Winslow actually has a home in Raleigh. If I see him out at the mall, I will show him this phone and he will weep.

Anyway, I would like to kick off this blog experience for you by showing you a set of videos that my good friend Hardin linked me to a couple days ago. I was straight up gobsmacked.

Attorney Harvey Levin is kind of rude to poor Jerry Only. It seems like he doesn't realize that he is also in a rock band, which doesn't really make sense because Marky Ramone is a pretty inconspicuous guy, whereas Jerry Only is walking around downtown with facepaint and Misfits hair. I've never been to New York City, but this is very telling about the kind of people who live there.

UPCOMING: I am going to blog about an idea for a television show please do not let me forget to do this!

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