This blog is trying to break your heart

There is not really anything sadder than eating a pre-prepared meal alone on a holiday. This is the concept behind that one Christmas episode of Happy Days that I hate where Richie spots Fonzie through his apartment window on Christmas Eve and sees him eating Chef Boyardee by his tiny Christmas tree. Like Richie says, "He was alone in the garage eating ravioli out of a can. Now, what kind of a way is that to spend Christmas Eve?" You tell 'em, Rich. Coincidentally, that episode is the last time that Chuck Cunningham is ever seen. At least he spent his last moments with family.

Anyway, I guess maybe genocide or dumpster babies could be considered sadder than this, but in this blog we look at everything from a white, middle-class, This American Life kind of perspective okay? So get ready to have your day ruined.

It is widely accepted that KFC is the most depressing fast food restaurant since the advent of the Colonel's Famous Bowl. A clump of starch and grease in a bowl, so processed that you don't have to chew it so much as just mash it against the roof of your mouth with your tongue while you watch MacGuyver reruns in a darkened room. Well, it seems they have one-upped themselves. I'm not sure if this only exists in Canada, but...

Ho ho how did my life end up like this oh god

The Holiday Feast For One? A special meal for a special time of year? It looks like a regular two-piece meal with three sides instead of two and what appears to be a sleeve of tiny cinnamon buns. It would be an okay concept if not for the name and intention of the meal, which really just kind of drains all the will to live out of me just by looking at it. At least they're not suggesting that people eat their Thanksgiving dinner all mashed up in a single bowl like a Vietnam POW, but still, they should probably serve this thing with about 15 feet of nylon rope.

Perhaps now you are feeling somewhat sad and are thinking of love to take your mind off the sadness that KFC wishes upon the world. What could be more cheerful than romance? And what day is more romantic than Valentine's Day? Well, basically all of them.

You see, Red Lobster, perhaps the classiest, most upscale restaurant in America, offers a Valentine's Day Special For Two every year, which includes two shrimp cocktails; two surf and turf; and two moist, delicious slices of chocolate mousse cake all for $50 dollar bucks. However, were you to examine the menu closely, you would see this in fine print at the bottom: "Available for one for $25". I don't care if you're at Red Lobster with Mandy Moore on Valentine's Day, if you see that on the menu, that's gonna put a damper on your evening.You will not be in the mood for love. You will scan the restaurant trying to figure out who went to Red Lobster to order the Valentine's Day Special For Two for one. You will spot a gentleman in the corner of the restaurant who has done this. The maitre'd has seated him there so that you would not see him. You have foiled this plan. You will observe the man's pleated pants and wispy mustache. You will see the sadness in his eyes as he eats his last morsel of chocolate mousse cake like a cow chewing its cud. This image will make you wail.

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On the brighter side, my film class got canceled today because the professor dropped the DVD and it cracked.

I hope this has brought you mirth.

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