24-hour news networks are awful. You know this to be true.

When you think of someone who sucks, who comes to mind? Is it the guy from Maroon 5? The guy who played Waldo Faldo on Family Matters? Wolf Blitzer? Any of these are acceptable answers. However today I would like to focus on the latter of these because the other two have not poorly conducted any debates lately, to my knowledge.

Actually, the last Democratic debate in Nevada was as terrible as the one last night. CNN and MSNBC have taken it upon themselves to ask a lot of really stupid race-and-gender questions in the past two debates. Is this really what people want?

Real questions that were asked last night:

"Senator Obama, do you think Bill Clinton was the first black president?"

"To all the candidates, if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. were alive today, and unfortunately he isn't, do you think he would endorse your candidacy?"

Real questions that were asked in Nevada:

"Senator Clinton, you said that Latino voters won't vote for a black man. Why?"

"Senator Edwards, running against candidates like these, what is a white man to do?"

It really makes me wonder about the people that are electing the Leader of the Free World if this is the kind of crap they base their decision on. The question about Bill Clinton is borderline offensive, and although Obama was pretty much dismissive of it ("I'd have to see his dancing skills before I could really make a proclamation on whether or not he's a brother"), it just seemed out of place. And I don't really see how asking whether someone would endorse you, if he were alive, is relevant to anything at all.

He suuuure is.

Wolf Blitzer in particular is an ass because he pushes everyone way too hard to speak in soundbytes and doesn't give people a chance to finish their thoughts. Especially last night, when the format switched to a round-table discussion with NO RULES (just like the Outback Steakhouse), and Wolf was still cutting them off after two minutes to try and force in other topics. You already had your chance to do that in the first half! Or in the last debate! When you could have been asking more specific questions about Universal Health Care or immigration policy, a topic that has gotten very little discussion at all!

And on top of that, all the discussion I've read of how the debate went pretty much centers around "the way the media narrative will play out." Which basically means it'll come down to what the newspapers decide to put in the headline and what clips the news channels decide to air in the daily cycle. So far it seems like they're mostly showing Edwards and Clinton attacking Obama on the voting "present" issue without showing his rebuttal, and that's what most people are going to see. I hate the fact that the media has so much control over these things, but that's what happens when people don't pay attention I guess.

Ok I know this hasn't been all that funny to read and I apologize for that! I will try to do better next time but I am just full of piss and vinegar today! Argh!

This blog is trying to break your heart

There is not really anything sadder than eating a pre-prepared meal alone on a holiday. This is the concept behind that one Christmas episode of Happy Days that I hate where Richie spots Fonzie through his apartment window on Christmas Eve and sees him eating Chef Boyardee by his tiny Christmas tree. Like Richie says, "He was alone in the garage eating ravioli out of a can. Now, what kind of a way is that to spend Christmas Eve?" You tell 'em, Rich. Coincidentally, that episode is the last time that Chuck Cunningham is ever seen. At least he spent his last moments with family.

Anyway, I guess maybe genocide or dumpster babies could be considered sadder than this, but in this blog we look at everything from a white, middle-class, This American Life kind of perspective okay? So get ready to have your day ruined.

It is widely accepted that KFC is the most depressing fast food restaurant since the advent of the Colonel's Famous Bowl. A clump of starch and grease in a bowl, so processed that you don't have to chew it so much as just mash it against the roof of your mouth with your tongue while you watch MacGuyver reruns in a darkened room. Well, it seems they have one-upped themselves. I'm not sure if this only exists in Canada, but...

Ho ho how did my life end up like this oh god

The Holiday Feast For One? A special meal for a special time of year? It looks like a regular two-piece meal with three sides instead of two and what appears to be a sleeve of tiny cinnamon buns. It would be an okay concept if not for the name and intention of the meal, which really just kind of drains all the will to live out of me just by looking at it. At least they're not suggesting that people eat their Thanksgiving dinner all mashed up in a single bowl like a Vietnam POW, but still, they should probably serve this thing with about 15 feet of nylon rope.

Perhaps now you are feeling somewhat sad and are thinking of love to take your mind off the sadness that KFC wishes upon the world. What could be more cheerful than romance? And what day is more romantic than Valentine's Day? Well, basically all of them.

You see, Red Lobster, perhaps the classiest, most upscale restaurant in America, offers a Valentine's Day Special For Two every year, which includes two shrimp cocktails; two surf and turf; and two moist, delicious slices of chocolate mousse cake all for $50 dollar bucks. However, were you to examine the menu closely, you would see this in fine print at the bottom: "Available for one for $25". I don't care if you're at Red Lobster with Mandy Moore on Valentine's Day, if you see that on the menu, that's gonna put a damper on your evening.You will not be in the mood for love. You will scan the restaurant trying to figure out who went to Red Lobster to order the Valentine's Day Special For Two for one. You will spot a gentleman in the corner of the restaurant who has done this. The maitre'd has seated him there so that you would not see him. You have foiled this plan. You will observe the man's pleated pants and wispy mustache. You will see the sadness in his eyes as he eats his last morsel of chocolate mousse cake like a cow chewing its cud. This image will make you wail.

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On the brighter side, my film class got canceled today because the professor dropped the DVD and it cracked.

I hope this has brought you mirth.

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One more political update

The good people at Bacon Unwrapped are asking the hard-hitting questions on the issue that I really care about in this election: How do the candidates feel about bacon?

A couple highlights in case you don't feel like clicking over:

Hillary Clinton got a ham and bacon omelette, which shows promise, but she ordered hot tea to drink. That's fine if you're in England but in America you drink milk or juice or you get out!

Barack Obama is rumored to be a vegetarian but I am pleased to say that he is not; he is indeed a bacon fan! This may seem trivial, but maybe if the press were to report on this we could get past the rampant speculation in Middle America that he's one of them daggone Muslims that's trying to kill us all. If only Middle America were smart enough to make the connection that Muslims don't eat pork. However, he does like eggs over easy which I find a bit disconcerting.

Mitt Romney has bizarre eating habits:

"Mitt Romney is so vigilant about nutrition that he eats the same thing every day: his wife’s granola for breakfast, a chicken or turkey sandwich for lunch, and pasta, fish or chicken for dinner."

Seriously what a freak. It's not like you're training to be a bodybuilder, Mitt. Man up and eat a steak. I like this guy less and less all the time.

On the other hand, John McCain probably needs to take it easy on the fatty foods:

"Apart from this morning’s fritter and coffee, he’s had a handful of potato chips and a can of Red Bull...There are trays of chilled Chinese food stashed up front, fallout-shelter eats that are now dug out and served in plastic boxes on plastic trays. McCain picks at a bit of fruit, chokes back a cold egg roll. “I really don’t eat well,” he says. “I eat junk. I kinda get pumped up at these things and don’t have much of an appetite.” He consents to filling the last corner of his stomach with a fortune cookie. "

Dude's 71 years old, if he keeps eating like that he might not even make it to November. I can't imagine that Red Bull is good for an old man's heart. I hear he likes to prepare for debates with Jagerbombs too.

We have no word on Ron Paul's eating habits but I imagine he probably just frolics in the forest and eats mushrooms from under dead trees or whatever little goblin creatures like him eat. Please let me know if you hear anything.

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It's 2008 and I am full of politics

So it's an election year and tomorrow marks the first primary. I've been trying to stay up with the caucuses (cauci?) and debates and such, which so far hasn't really paid off that much. I'm pretty firmly entrenched in the Obama camp and Edwards is growing on me a bit although he still seems kinda insincere, so I was pleased with the Iowa caucus results. Nobody ever really says anything new in these things, though. The Democratic New Hampshire debate was basically just the same talking points over and over again: Obama is hopeful, Edwards's dad worked in a mill, Clinton has somehow transformed from the experienced candidate into the true agent of change, and Bill Richardson loves punching tables. Out of those I think I still like the hopeful guy the best, so there you go. The highlight of the debate was watching Obama and Edwards gang up on Hillary and making her flip out and get hella angry, which you can see here:



Look at that crazed suburban Cary mom glint in her eye! It's terrifying!

I didn't get to see the Republican debates but it sounds like it was basically just a bunch of mudslinging and Mitt Romney looked like an idiot, so that's good enough for me. I found some of Ron Paul's previous debate arguments particularly compelling:



Speaking of, I also wanted to put a few of the bills and resolutions that Ron Paul has sponsored in here just because I can:

"A bill to direct the Secretary of the Treasury to strike and sell gold medallions to the general public."

"A bill to provide for a full assay, inventory, and audit of the gold reserves of the United States, and for other purposes."

"A bill to make Federal Reserve Notes and United States Notes redeemable in gold."

GOLD STANDARD

"A bill to abolish the Department of Education."

Yeah we probably don't need education what a dumb idea that was!

"A bill to repeal the Soil and Water Conservation Act of 1977."

Yeah we probably don't need soil and water what a dumb idea that was!

"A bill to make all Iranian Students in the United States ineligible for any form of federal aid."

Got 'em, coach! For a guy who talks about how the United States does so much to make the Middle East hate us (which I don't entirely disagree with), I don't see how this would really help matters.

"A joint resolution congratulating the men and women of the United States space programs and of the industries, businesses, and educational institutions supporting them who have developed a new field of technology to promote and preserve the free enterprise system, the acquisition of knowledge and freedom."

Why send a card to congratulate someone when you can try and pass legislation?

And finally

"A bill to strengthen the American family and promote the virtues of family life."

This bill also tries to abolish the Department of Education just fyi

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Here are some other miscellaneous things I don't understand:



You can actually win a caucus with ads that use silly internet catchphrases like this? Could I run with a picture of a kitten in an Uncle Sam hat and the slogan "I CAN HAZ PRESIDENCY?!?" Chuck Norris's beard in this ad clearly isn't even thick enough to conceal a fist. What other lies will Mike Huckabee tell?

Hey little fella! You're gonna be my runningmate!

As you can see in this clip, Norris was actually onstage for Huckabee's speech after the Iowa victory. How has the American political process come to this:



At least Chuck seems pretty happy to be there, he's grinning like a fiend. However, in a move I understand even less, John McCain has responded to Huckabee's use of celebrity by bringing out a secret weapon of his own:

Now THIS is a celebrity!

That's right, it's Wilford Brimley, not to be mistaken for the old guy on Walker, Texas Ranger. In a shocking twist of fate, however, Brimley actually did guest star on Walker, Texas Ranger as Burt Mueller in 1995. Perhaps Obama should get the "Walker told me I have AIDS" kid to help lock down the youth vote.

Anyway, I don't really know what McCain plans to accomplish with this but I feel much better about the future of the War on Diabeetus now. I hope you've learned something from all this, I know I sure have.

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