I'M NOT DEAD YET

SWEAR TO GOD

Late Night Saturday Blog (im cool)

What up it's Saturday night and everyone is asleep and you know what that means. TIME TO BLOG. I got my bloggin hands on and I am ready to go. I'm already going in fact.

Not only is it Saturday night but it is also September and you know what that means as well. TIME FOR FOOTBALL AND THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.

We'll start in reverse order here. Rudy Giuliani is probably kind of a dummy if his campaign strategy is any indication. And now we also know he hates community service. HATES IT. Also liberals and 9/11. If you haven't watched his speech, you should. I don't know if I have ever seen a more hate-filled mainstream political speech. For your convenience, the piss and vinegar is located below:







It's kinda funny that a guy who has appeared in drag on TV several times and was mayor of New York City makes a lil gay joke about Obama being too cosmopolitan. Huckabee looks displeased.

---

There was also the matter of Sarah Palin but what can you even say about her? I guess some people would vote for her on account of her being a foxy grandma, but here's hoping we aren't that dumb.

ATTENTION HILLARY VOTERS: I HAVE A VAGINA
^^^INSIGHTFUL POLITICAL COMMENTARY^^^

I think there was another guy at the end there too but I can't remember.

---

Okay so football.

Not that this is news to anyone, but the ACC is seriously beyond terrible. The big win of last weekend was Maryland beating Delaware by 7, and this week they got taken down by powerhouse Middle Tennessee State, who now has a total of 4 wins over BCS-conference schools in their history. And the other 3 were against Vandy or one of those V-schools. Wake seems decent, Clemson and FSU will be okay by ACC standards, and the rest...? Hooboy. State struggled against William and Mary in the second half (after Harrison Beck had to take over at QB because Evans was getting booed too much), Miami got clowned by Florida for the first time in 23 years, and Duke lost to Northwestern so apparently they still suck too. Maybe we should just disband the conference. GO MINNESOTA!

In other news, ECU looked really really good in their win over West Virginia today. Their QB was better than any ACC QB except maybe Riley Skinner (but probably not), their RBs ran straight into people and got 3 or 4 yards after contact on just about every play, and their defense actually knows how to tackle. Given that they've already won their two games against ranked teams in pretty convincing fashion, I think there's a good chance they could run the table and end up in a BCS bowl this year. Good for them, I guess. I'm so glad State has to play them next week!!! This is great news!!! For the Wolfpack!!!!

---

Today I looked at some art by some 17th-century Spanish guys. There was a lot of Jesus and Mary and fruit, as you might expect. There was one picture of a chubby Jesus which was a little unusual. I had a nice discussion about what it would be like if Jesus were obese and broke the cross. It would, in fact, be wild.

Can you spare a quarter, sir? I am studying art....

This was one of the paintings. Apparently it's very popular. I don't think this guy is Jesus or Mary but he's certainly a little fruity!!!!!!!!

Then I had a burger and learned about Louis XIV and sang Pavement songs. All in all a pretty good time.

---

FOR LUNCH IN THE COMING WEEK: Anelletti pasta with spinach and Italian sausage

Law School and Quiche and Lies about both

LAW SCHOOL.

I started it. It's pretty good so far, for being at UNC at least. Everyone is very nice and the faculty is very supporting even if the law school does have more assistant deans than students. People say law school is very scary, but so far is is not. No one gave the "LOOK LEFT LOOK RIGHT, AT THE END OF THE SEMESTER ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL BE DEAD" speech. They told us we are all beautiful little birds who just have to spread our wings and fly to greatness (HINT: the bottom 50% will not). I have learned lots of very interesting things, including what constitutes battery and why we were legally allowed to tell the Indians to get the hell off their land (HINT: It's because we were European)! Here are people my professors sort of look like: Dr. Steven Peretti (word to my Chem E people), Kima from The Wire, and an older Mr. Rogers. These are 3 separate people, just to clarify.

But I am going to try not to be one of those jerks that goes to law school and then never talks about anything else, so that is enough about that. Let's talk about something else, like....

QUICHE.

People say real men don't eat quiche. Well guess what these people are idiots and should be open palm shoved into a pit! I feel strongly about this because eggs are full of cholesterol, which is manly. It's like an omelet in a pie crust, and let's be honest, who doesn't like pie. A big egg pie filled with sausage and bacon and milk and cheese. Maybe some vegetables but probably not. NOTE: Quiche is deceptive because it is light and airy but it will make you fat if you eat too much of it. It's a trick of the French. They do not get fat because they know the trick.

Okay so what else is there to talk about? Hmmm how about

DEMOCRATS.

More like Dumbocrats am I right because man this convention has not gone well. Hillary's speech sounded very forced and everybody knows she just wants to run in 2012, Biden was very rambly tonight, Mark Warner's keynote speech was all about 'oh hey we need to be bipartisan hooray' instead of giving any reasons why to vote pro-Democrat or anti-Republican, and apparently John Kerry did something good tonight but didn't actually get on TV. I know it's an old complaint but can this party please get its act together and stop being touchy-feely and inoffensive and start being as devious and calculating as the Republicans? As morally bankrupt as they may be, their attack machine works very well and I wish we had one!

Quit calling John McCain your friend and honoring his service and start attacking him for flying into a missile like an idiot, or for cheating on his crippled first wife, or whatever really I don't care just attack his character until you can't anymore. I am not articulating my frustration about this very well but it's late and I am tired and also not a clean, articulate boy like that B. Hussein Obama. Sure it would turn some people off but look stupid people would fall for it, and that's the majority of the voting bloc. And you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Or a quiche! AND I SPENT FIVE YEARS AS THE BACON IN AN OMELET CALLED THE HANOI HILTON.

KNIVES.

I bought some cutlery the other day. I immediately made a nice divot in my thumb while dicing an onion. This is the sign of a good knife and bad technique.

MUSIC.

Listen to the new Lindstrom album. The first song is 30 minutes and about 16 minutes in I'm pretty sure it blatantly rips off the bassline from Thriller.

END OF BLOG POST

THIS IS GREAT NEWS!!! FOR CHILDREN!!!

I don't know if you guys heard but Nickelodeon is putting a bunch of shows from the 90s on iTunes as indivdual episodes or in best-of packs. Here's what's already up:

•Aaahhh Real Monsters–Season 1 (13 Episodes)
•The Amanda Show–Best of, Vol. 1 (Five Episodes)
•Angry Beavers–Best of, Vol. 1 (Seven Episodes)
•As Told by Ginger–Season 1 (13 Episodes)
•Clarissa Explains It All–Best of (Seven Episodes)
•Doug–Season 1 (13 Episodes)
•Hey Arnold–Season 1 (13 Episodes)
•Hey Dude–Season 1 (13 Episodes)
•Rocket Power–Best of, Vol. 1 (Seven Episodes)
•Rocko's Modern Life–Best of, Vol. 1 (Six Episodes)
•Rugrats–Best of, Vol. 1 (Seven Episodes)
•Wild Thornberrys–Best of, Vol. 1 (Seven Episodes)

Hey Dude, Doug, and Rocko's Modern Life are well worth the price of admission; maybe Angry Beavers to a lesser extent. If anyone wants to write and petition for a My Brother and Me best-of pack, I'd be much obliged. Mr. Parker is a proud alumnus of NC Central University. Presumably, Uncle Lawrence is as well. Here some My Brother and Me moments for us to share:

THE MAJESTIC OPENING CREDITS

GOO PUNCH


KENDALL GILL WILL AUTOGRAPH ANYTHING

Just in case you didn't have enough My Brother and Me yet here are some fun links!

• MR. PARKER'S MYSPACE. Mr. Parker has a thing for big booties.
• Alfie became a gangsta rapper. He was such a poor influence on poor DeeDee, who I think is now dead due to poor influences. I like Alfie's stack of money, where you can see a 20 and a 10. The rest are probably ones and fives. I wonder if Showbizness could beat Cool Dr. Money in a rap battle.
• Goo is doin' R&B. I like the Goo Punch song better.
• Dionne is now Amanda Diva who sucks and can be seen in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. I can't remember if she dies or not. IMPORTANT CORRECTION: Amanda Diva was not actually in Death Proof. The character I was thinking of was played by Sydney Poitier, Sidney Poitier's daughter. So I guess Amanda Diva hasn't actually done anything besides show up on VH1 pop culture shows sometimes.
  
• Harry is still the only white kid on the show.

END OF BLOG POST

Things have happened in the past five months. This is for them.

So once (okay, twice) upon a time, I had a blog then I got kind of busy or lazy and forgot to update it. Well guess what kids, we're going for the trifecta because THE BLOG IS BACK! AGAIN!

CURRENT SNACK: POPCORN WITH CAJUN SEASONING
CURRENT MUSIC: BEN FOLDS FIVE - WHERE'S SUMMER B. (THE B. STANDS FOR BLOG)

I don't really know where to begin, so I'll just pick my new apartment to start with. I am living alone now and aside from the fact that my cable jacks don't work and I have been missing a drawer for the past 2 months, it seems pretty cool. You can cook a steak at midnight or take a shower with the door open or basically do whatever! It's a chance to have fun and hang out without friends! My place is full of furniture that isn't collapsing and I have pictures on the wall in frames so it kinda looks like an actual civilized person lives there.

This charming fellow lives in my dining room.

The downside to all this is that it means I live in Chapel Hill now. And the fact of the matter is that Chapel Hill will never be as good as Raleigh. Maybe it has more trees but it also has more hippie assholes on bikes and I have to drive much farther to get to the store. Plus everything is that nauseating shade of blue and yeah ok I'm whining a little bit here but come on.

In case you don't know what I'm doing here, which I assume you do or you wouldn't be reading this blog, I've got the whole law school thing starting in exactly one week. Aaaand hopefully in three years this will allow me to collect a substantial amount of dollars. And then maybe in a couple decades I can be a senator or something. I can't wait to see this blog show up in an attack ad someday.

----

Well anyway I guess that probably wasn't very exciting for you, huh? Kind of a bad way to bring back the blog. Maybe something topical would be better? How about the Olympics!

I guess you probably know they faked the fireworks in the opening ceremony and had a little girl lip-sync some song because the one who actually sang it wasn't cute enough, and that this decision was made "in the national interest." I think this has kind of made the world raise an eyebrow at China and the seriously messed up way in which they do things. I also enjoyed Bela Karolyi complaining about the Chinese women's gymnastics team being underage and making Bob Costas really uncomfortable. But the thing you don't really get to hear about on the NBC coverage is the way the Chinese train their little athletic child robots in 3,000 "athletics academies" that take 400,000 kids and train them to win gold medals, at which point I assume they are then disposed of (the kids, not the medals). Time Magazine details the programs for a few sports:

"At the Luneng Table-Tennis School in Shandong province, 230 boarding students crowd a gymnasium set up with 80 Ping-Pong tables. In the morning, children train for about four hours. A few hours of academic classes are held in the afternoon, more than at many other sports schools. Three times a week, students hone their table-tennis skills also in the evening. Many kids see their parents for only a couple of weeks each year."

"At most other Chinese sports schools, suffering is considered integral to the athletic experience. At the Weifang City Sports School, where little Cloud is being trained to be a weight lifter, most of the kids are so chronically exhausted that during their afternoon break, they collapse in eight-to-a-room iron bunks to sleep. The Weifang academy is a collection of moldy concrete buildings, with only red socialist banners to break the monotone grays."

The propaganda director assures us that the kids practice for only a couple of hours a day. But students I speak to without a minder present say they train for at least five hours. None of the dorm rooms I visit have any textbooks--strange for a school that the propaganda director tells me is "mostly for academics, with sports training just as a spare-time activity." Wang Ting, a 15-year-old runner, looks at me blankly when I ask what she does during her time off. "I run, and I sleep," she replies. "That's my day."

Also this:

One by one, the little girls walk to the wooden blocks and extend their legs into the splits, one callused foot balancing on each block, their straining bodies hovering just above the ground. Coach Yang Yaojun, his sweatpants hiked high over his belly, ambles over to the girls, smiles and hands the nearest one a stopwatch. The girls, who are six and seven years old, do not smile back. Teetering on the blocks, they wait as Yang straddles each leg in turn, resting his 70-kg frame on their outstretched limbs. No matter how tough the girls are, no matter how much resolve they have mustered, the tears come within seconds. They do not cry out, though. They just well up soundlessly and stare at the seconds ticking down on the stopwatch. After half a minute, Yang stands up and lifts the girls off the blocks. They stagger with the first step, their oversized thigh muscles visibly twitching. By the second or third step, the tremors and the tears are gone. When a child does this six days a week all year long, save a short holiday at Lunar New Year, there are only so many tears she can shed.This assembly line of pain at the Weilun Sports School in China's southern Guangdong province asks an extraordinary amount from its 1,000 full-time students. Here, in the cavernous gymnastics classroom, the girls are drilled again and again as if they were in competition, with judges monitoring their frozen smiles. They must not show weakness, no matter how grueling the exercise. "Big smile, little friend," yells Yang as the girls go through 50 reps of leg kicks with weights tied to their calves. Yang's wife, also a coach, observes: "Maybe to foreigners, this looks cruel. But it's because we start kids very young and train them hard that we have become so successful in gymnastics." Says her husband, who has been coaching since 1983: "The Chinese race knows how to endure hardship. Our job is to push these kids to their limits, so they can perform gloriously for our nation." Behind him on the wall, below oversized Olympic and Chinese flags, giant red lettering summarizes the motto of the Weilun school, proud breeding ground of eight athletes at this month's Athens Olympics: "Patriotism, Unity, Struggle and Devotion."

So yeah it's pretty disturbing but at least some people are winning things the old-fashioned way! Granted the gymnasts from every country probably have some pretty grueling training, but at least when the American gymnasts are done competing they can go to college and have some kind of opportunity in their later years instead of dying from a snakebite in a rice field!

I honestly haven't been watching the Olympics too much, but it sounds like the Americans have mostly been doing pretty well themselves, thanks mostly to Michael Phelps and the basketball team. It's a good thing swimming gives out medals like Cracker Jack prizes. I felt a little bad for the women's gymnastics team, particularly Alicia Sacramone, who has a thick neck and the natural disadvantage of being the only gymnast I've ever seen with some big ol' boobs.

It's ok Alicia we still love you :)

Also did you know Kerri Strug actually got pretty dang hot since she stole America's heart by doing a vault with a sprained ankle or something and having a really ugly haircut?

Ooh damn girl dat's a sexy Cosby sweater you got there

Also just to make you feel better about not being an Olympic athlete yourself, here's a reminder of what can happen when you try to actually do things:

"My arm has a lil scrotum on it now!"

NOT SO TOUGH NOW ARE YOU, TOUGH GUY? I could beat him in arm wrestling now and I haven't trained a day in my life!

Also I'm not exactly sure what's going on with this but the Spanish basketball team might ruffle a few feathers with this one:

They ain't Chinese but they do play joke

At this rate, we'll probably end up with WWIII before these Olympics are over. Let's just wait for football season to start for real and maybe we can put all this hostility behind us and go back to ignoring the rest of the world.

--

Ok that is enough blogging for tonight. Gotta ease back into it, you know? Maybe in a few years they will have Olympic Blogging. As soon as they do, I am starting on that Michael Phelps 9000-calorie-a-day diet.

END OF BLOG POST

For the record

SWEET SIXTEEN PICKS

Thursday:
Xavier over West Virginia
UNC over Washington State
UCLA over Western Kentucky
Tennessee over Louisville

Bad night for schools starting W

Friday:
Wisconsin over Davidson :(
Stanford over Texas
Kansas over Villanova
Memphis over Michigan State

THAT'S ALL

I win!

So I did a little better with my Easter predictions, correct picks in bold...

Villanova over Siena
Texas over Miami
Tennessee over Butler
WKU over San Diego
Davidson over Georgetown (Upset Special!!!)
Memphis over Mississippi State
Louisville over Oklahoma
UNC over Arkansas

100% correct! Which sorta makes up for yesterday's dismal performance. I'll be making the rest of my picks a little later in the week. Now America's Sweetheart Stephen Curry just has to beat those God-forsaken Wisconsin Badgers and all will be right with the world. Of course, this will never happen now that I'm rooting for Davidson. They'll lose to Wisconsin just like State did in Hodge's senior year. I will always hate them.

I woke up at like 4PM last night so I just stayed up and did homework and worked out my playlist for the radio station today; I'm pulling a double shift for the guy who goes on before me. Lots of fun. It took me like two hours to get a decent list worked out, so I hope people actually like it.

SURVEY OF THE DAY: WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE STREET FIGHTER 2 CHARACTER???

Mine would have to be Guile.

GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY MAN!

END OF BLOG POST